1. The crickets sing, when I put them on my hook for fishing.

2. May the fleas of 1,000 camels infest your boxers wherever you are.

3. I want to get far away from the mundane life I’m living right now.

4. I found my prince charming; this was a dream.

5. But as for me, I shall never give up looking or praying for my prince charming.

6.  The school of hard knocks is where I come from.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I’m looking forward to haunted trails & pizza w/ the kidos, tomorrow my plans include housework and possible cook-out with friends and Sunday, I want to go to church (that is if lightening doesn’t strike me dead on my way inside the chapel)!

ps. Don’t forget to visit Osbasso!

Let’s get right to it. HNT is here.

I had the most amazing weekend with my girlfriends. The music and the drinks flowed non-stop. You must try Firefly Sweat Tea Vodka… holy shit. So many hot musicians…so little time. Seriously, we were up until 5am on both Friday & Saturday. I keep forgetting I’m not 21 any more. I am still not recovered, but would love to do it again this weekend.

I saw my first real live “Mangina!” Do guys really think it’s hot to tuck the junk and drop the drawers? It was shockingly adorable and I could not stop myself from laughing. All I kept thinking was manscaping isn’t just for porn stars anymore buddy. The funny part was watching him on stage the next day and night. We both knew what had transpired the night before and lucky me he did an encore presentation of the “Mangina” later that night. I think I’m in lust!

I had the chance to take my girls on a tour of Charleston. It is such a historic and beautiful city. I enjoyed driving around my old haunts. I use to live there many moons ago. I had a hot little apartment on Broad St. I really miss that place.

Well… There is much more that happened. Maybe I’ll update more later, but for now…..

cleavage anyone?

Working it at work.

Now onto TMI

1. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be?     Screamo for sure!  Ever heard of it?  Don’t do it especially if you like to keep your ear holes in tact!  My son had me listen to a couple of Screamo songs.  It was exhausting and mind numbing!  Thank God he only liked it for about 1 week.  Otherwise, I would have had him committed to a mental institution for evaluation.  I don’t even think it should be considered music.  Nonsense!  (Oh shit! The question asked for band or artist.  Oh well, trust me.  I did you a favor.)

 
2. You seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy crap, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it?     Oh, how I wish I would find $100!  I am in desperate need of a haircut & pedicure… buy I don’t think $100 would cover both.  I choose the hair do! After thinking about this, maybe a new sex toy would be better.  Yeah, a new toy for sure.

 
3. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anytime in the PAST. What time are you traveling to and what are you going to do when you get there?      I would travel to 1988 and keep my virginity.  Wow, what a waste that experience turned out to be.

4. What is your favorite curse word?      Shit! My daughter hates, hates, hates when I curse and I don’t blame her.  I try really hard to keep those types of word inside my head, but hey, I’m only human right?

5. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice?     Jude Law is my all time favorite.  I can imagine getting all sweaty with him.  I get warm and moist just thinking about it.  Unfortunately, I’ve seen a picture of his junk and it was not impressive at all.   Maybe he’s a grower!

Bonus (as in optional):You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What’s it gonna be?     I’ve thought about this one before and always thought I’d like to be invisible.  I’ve changed my mind this time.  I want to be a Mind Reader!!!!  I would probably be sorry I asked for it, but at least I would know where I stood with people.

1. My car is foriegn and needs a good washing.

2. Hotel Carolina is coming up next. www.welcometothehotelcarolina.com My BFF from Boston is flying down along with another girl friend from NYC!

3. Lately, things seem very sexually charged.

4. My bedroom is one of my favorite ‘hiding’ places.

5. What happened to chilvary.

6. Sex with a younger man is not impossible!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I’m looking forward to having sex with my ex, tomorrow my plans include laundry & household chores  and Sunday, I want to go to the beach & cook a nice meal for my kids!

Myrtle Beach Air Show 2004

The focus of HNT this week is your favorite body part.  Umm, this was almost as hard as last week.  I do not have that many favorite parts; however I’m learning to love my body more and more.  I use HNT as a tool.  It is a journey to self discovery.  HNT has made me step back, think and re-evaluate.  I now take the time to truly look and appreciate the beauty of everyday people. I am an everyday person. I am you.

If I could take a picture of my brain, I’d post it for my HNT this week, but sadly, I can’t. So this will have to do… 

According to studies, a woman’s lips are a reflection of her labia.  I’m not quite ready to show you my labia, so use your imagination.

Facial Labia

     WTF?  Why bother calling now?  His voice sounded very timid, as it should have since he is calling me 1 week & 1 day too late.  He proceeds to apologize profusely for not “being” there and that is was not intentional.  He would love to tell me why he did not make it that faithful night but, “I am afraid if I told you, you would just hang up on me.”  I told him “definitely do not tell me then” and no need to worry, things happen.  I am sure he had a good reason.  I let him know to keep in touch, but did not offer to reschedule our meeting at all and I do not plan to ever.  

     After I hung up, Ding, ding, and ding… a big ole light bulb lit up right above my head.  I proceed to the computer and look up the local booking & releases website.  Low and behold, there he was in a glorious mug shot (nice hair, weird mole)!  The charges listed were driving under suspension, wreckless driving & driving under the influence.  Apparently the night before our planned blind date, he got plowed then pulled.  Guess I can’t blame him for not using his 1 phone call to ring me up and let me know he wouldn’t be able to make it because “I’m in jail.”  On a nicer note, according to the release time & date, I was one of his first phone calls as a free man.    

P.S.   I am not done with Rick yet… nor is he done with me!  Yeah, he called.

A Great Laugh and Good Lesson for Men

(How easy they have it!) 

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it’s your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won’t latch. It doesn’t matter. The dispenser for the modern “seat covers” (invented by someone’s Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there were one, but there isn’t – so you carefully but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume “The Stance”

In this, “The Stance” position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake………You’d love to sit down, but you certainly hadn’t taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold “The Stance.”

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother’s voice saying, “Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!” Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday – the one that’s still in your purse. That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn’t work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topples backward against the tank of the toilet. “Occupied!” you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it’s too late your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper – not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.

You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew because, you’re certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, “You just don’t KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.” By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose that somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At that point, you give up. You’re soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You’re exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can’t figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women, still waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the damn paper from your shoe, plunk it to the woman’s hand and tell her warmly, “Here, you just might need this.”

As you exit, you spot the cutie that was kind enough to escort you to the bathroom and who has long since entered, used and left the men’s restroom. He asks, “What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?”

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restroom (rest??? you’ve got to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It’s so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door.

Author Unknown

Today has been very emotional. That’s putting it mildly.  This is only my 2nd HNT and I have to show the worst part of me.  Doesn’t seem fair, but it has been by far the hardest yet most rewarding post to date.  I have browsed and read many, many, many HNT’s today.  I have cried with relief that I am not alone in this feeling of self-unworthiness.  All I can say at this point is thank you to all for posting your “flaws”…I personally didn’t see any flaws, just beautiful people placing their trust in perfect strangers and those strangers taking that trust and cradling it like a babe.  I read many comments only to find tons and tons of  out pouring support and encouragement.  It is your selflessness that has given me the courage to post this picture.  It was taken just minutes ago by my 100-year-old LG camera phone in my bathroom with glaring, unforgiving lights.  I had to make it a quick shoot while the baby girl was in the other room watching Hanna Montana.  I pray I am able to pass the courage and re-evaluation that I have endured during this experience on to her.  We are all beautiful human beings full of love and no one can take that away.  My heart is full… fuller than my belly (hehe)

Damn, I didn’t realize I have no waist!